I’ve long forgiven her all the screaming. It just doesn’t get in the way enough and never has. But recently Miss Sharapova has become not just a tennis star but the owner of her own planet and, frankly, things have now got out of control. A BBC commentator (let’s call her Tracy) urged me to check out www.mariasharapova.com because it’s simply a great website. “No tennis buff can afford to miss Maria’s thoughts on fashion, design, food. I keep up to date with it at least twice a day. It’s great.”
OK, so I went there, intrigued to discover what the queen of the courts has to say on design, fashion icon that she is. Erm, well, I looked all over and came to the quick conclusion that here is a person who lives in a vacuous planet. It’s a place where every interview she has ever had is there in the archive, regardless of content.
It’s a place where I can learn that mozzarella is insane, that Madonna’s Heartbeat is her current favourite tune, that Harper’s Bazaar is her favourite magazine because it’s the only one to give “accurate horoscopes, from my experience” and that she thinks that being creative is one of her greatest assets, especially when it comes to design. The site is loaded with My Top Tens. There’s a shop where fans can buy branded clothing. There’s also a mind-bogglingly inane blog. Sorry, that’s very difficult to say, but the blog is more difficult to read.
Creative design? Mmmm.
As a reviewer and commentator on all things arty, I try hard to spot emerging talent and bring it to your attention. I’ve been to several so-called art galleries in the Highlands of Scotland this spring/summer and regrettably have nothing fresh to report. At every turn I just see Jolomo having a laugh with his excessively overpriced paintings (yes paintings, not artworks). Rural galleries in this neck of the woods tend to stay alive by pedalling expensive snacks, hand-made cards, hand-thrown (but not far enough) pottery and the odd generic painting of a Scottish beachscape. They tend to be craft shops with added paintings. Sigh. At least the ballet, when it came to Inverness, has been good. Now I’ve arrived at the last resort: a website.
So, Maria likes Tiffany jewellery and, although she is one of the few people in the world who can afford to buy everything in the shop, two of her favourite Christmas presents last year came in a Tiffany box. Yes, but where is the evidence that she is creative? Does she mean that she is so wealthy that she can afford to choose her personal designers to create a new outfit for each tournament? I think this must be it, because her site is packed with photos, action as well as posed, showing her in each Madonna-like reinvention.
While musing over this, I can order Maria wallpaper, download Maria screensavers, dream of eating in her ten favourite restaurants scattered across the globe. Ultimately, and this is really quite easy, I have to conclude that the life of this multi-millionaire tennis champion is no life at all. She claims to be creative but confuses this with rich. She’d like to meet Vincent van Gogh over a cup of coffee “to find out what he was thinking about”. Why would she want to know? Is she just name-dropping?
She plays strong tennis. I’m impressed with her professional attitude both to the game and the way she conducts interviews. Unfortunately, her website shows definitively that there is nothing more to the world of Maria Sharapova, that’s worth knowing anyway, than what happens on court. But I suppose I never expected there to be. When she leaves her Centre Court comfort zone she exposes herself to ridicule, and it’s a shame. You might have guessed that one of her all-time favourite movies is Dumb and Dumber, but to her credit it only peaks at number 6.
I’ve been to planet Sharapova and can now confirm to art and design aficionados everywhere that Maria is not the creative spirit she believes herself to be. As far as I can tell, she is no designer at all. You don’t need to go there. I’ve saved you the journey. She is a great tennis player and perhaps she ought to limit her ambitions to that. If she spent more time working on her game she might even make it to week 2 at Wimbledon next year. Oh yes, and maybe a certain BBC commentator needs to get a life.
I know you’re interested so here are my latest Top Ten Moans about Art & Design:-
1 Shock art. Shocks don’t last.
2 Formula painters and sculptors, mistaken as artists.
3 Saatchi: not a force for good.
4 The Art Establishment. The very idea.
5 Graffiti.
6 Haute couture and fashionspeak. Wealthy birdbrains led by equally empty-headed egomaniacs. Poor souls.
7 Quality acts shouldn’t have to beg for support.
8 The Turner prize. Not in his name.
9 Let colleges teach the skills and allow students the freedom to explore with them. No jumping through hoops.
10 Artshub’s blatant theatre bias needs reviewing.
How refreshing was that?
Now then, I think I should pop outside and check whether another Tracey has scribbled all over my Peugeot. I could use a spare £200K.
