Shazia Mirza is a comedian in huge international demand. Dressed in her traditional Muslim headscarf, Shazia gained much notoriety early on in her career with her unique cutting-edge material and challenges to the Asian stereotype. She has performed for television, radio and theatre and most recently presented F*** Off I’m A Hairy Woman on BBC3. She is also a columnist for the New Statesman.
Sam Stone visited Shazia at her London home where she talked about terrorism, lesbians and the Queen.
Would it be too crude to ask if terrorism has been good to you?
No, terrorism ruined my life. I had to work 10 times harder than everyone else to prove I wanted to be a comedian.
Tell me about your roots?
My parents are from Pakistan. They came here in the 60’s. They came on a boat. My Dad was driving it… Do you want me to do my act?
If you want – but you’ll have to qualify everything afterwards with the truth.
Ok. My Dad wasn’t really driving it. He didn’t have a license at the time. So they came from Pakistan to a very white part of Birmingham. We were the only Asian people on our street. There was 200 of us living in a two-bedroom house.
How many were there really?
Five. Three brothers, one sister and my parents.
Were there many Asians at your school?
The school I went to was very multi-cultural. It was an all girls grammar school. It was wonderful. The deputy head was a lesbian, the P.E. teachers were lesbians and one of the French teachers was a lesbian. They were all hard-core feminists and brought us all up to be really strong independent women. It was a great school. The emphasis was on achievements and rewards. All the girls who attended that school have all done really well. It was a lot to do with the feminists lesbians who really used to drive home that you can achieve anything. You can do anything, be anything. That was their ethos.
Our head teacher at the time was like Margaret Thatcher. She looked, talked, dressed like Margaret Thatcher. Every day she used to come on stage at assembly and there would be absolute silence. She had so much authority. Everyone was scared of her. I will never forget her. She was a great woman.
Were there subjects at school you really excelled at?
I just wanted to be on the stage. I wasn’t interested in a lot of subjects at school except English, Drama and Sport. I was captain of the hockey team. Science I tried hard at. My drama teacher started writing to me when I started doing stand-up. She sent me a Christmas card. That’s the type of women they were. They were going to support you throughout your life.
You became a science teacher so you must have been quite good at it?
My degree was in bio-chemistry. But I wasn’t really interested in it. I just wanted to be on the stage. I was just doing respectable things at the time because it was all the rage.
How do your parents feel about you being a stand-up?
If they thought I was unsuccessful at stand-up it would be tragic. It would be like, “Not only have you chosen to do what you want to do but you’re shit at it.” It would be really disgraceful if I wasn’t doing well at it.
That’s quite a lot of pressure to put yourself under. Was it nerve racking?
They didn’t know I was doing stand-up until two years into it. I thought there’s no point telling anyone while you’re doing open spots and not getting paid. You don’t actually become a comedian until you’ve been doing it for two or three years. Otherwise you’re setting yourself up. You’re still developing. It takes a long time to become a comic.
When did you stop wearing the Hijab?
I started out in comedy without it actually. I only wore the Hijab for about 6 months to see where it would go and decided it wasn’t for me.
What? Too hot under the lights?
No, you just can’t pull any men with that thing on your head. I have enough difficulty as it is, stick the Hijab on and forget it!
Why are so many female stand-up comics single?
It’s not sexy.
A woman speaking her mind?
No, it’s not sexy. A funny woman is not sexy. We could sit here and discuss it forever and ever, but it is a fact. It’s too intimidating.
You mean from the male perspective? Because you are sexy. Other female comics on the circuit are sexy but men are turned off by funny women is that what you are saying?
A great pair of breasts does it over a great joke any day.
Not for all men. There are some exceptions to the rule surely.
Of course! I read an interview the other day with Kirk Douglas and… I know he’s nearly dead …but he said “I have never met an intelligent woman who wasn’t sexy”. Well, I have. I’ve met a lot of intelligent women who are not sexy. Basically what he’s saying is, in his world, when you’re 96 years old, you take what you can get. If a woman is really intelligent and attractive that really is sexy though.
Like who?
Joan Collins. In the days when she made The Stud she was beautiful and powerful and I think she found it hard to find a man that was right for her. Like Madonna. Any woman that pushes the boundaries is going to upset straight men. It makes them feel uncomfortable. But it is possible, it must be, to be clever, beautiful and find a good man.
Do you think you’ll ever get married?
I’d like to marry an Asian man, but Asian men don’t like me because I’m a comedian and I’ve done too much with my life to be a mother and housewife. I could do all that but I’d have to have my career too. I am paying the price for that. I mean I’m a career woman and that’s quite lonely. No-one wants to marry you because you broke the “law”. It’s a bigger price for a woman than it is for a man. If I was an Asian male stand-up there would be no problem at all. I think it’s the same in any field. Look at Benazir Bhutto. I was meant to be a doctor. I would have a husband and a nice big house and I became a stand-up comedian who works in bars and pubs with pissed up white men.
But do you think you could be attracted to a man that thought your place was in the home?
Probably not. That’s why I’m still single. I’m prepared to wait for the right man. I could have any old riff-raff. I seem to attract all sorts of losers. I went on a date with this one guy, but he didn’t even have a phone. I mean where is this going? Nowhere without a phone!
Do some Muslim men get upset with you? I mean, do they display aggression towards you?
I think a lot of them get upset yes, because they don’t understand. They don’t have a sense of humour either. They can’t laugh at themselves and that’s a problem. I’ve had some hate mail. I’ve had some mail where some of them think I must have been abused as child and that’s why I’m rebelling. I get emails everyday from Asian men that say that’s why I’m behaving in that manner. I’ve had men saying I’m a prostitute. I just have to ignore it. I never reply. The minute I reply I lose all my power.
You are very ambitious. Do you think that comes from the school you went to?
And my family and culture. They have a very strong work ethic. I work all the time.
When I first arranged this interview you suggested we go out for a drink, do the interview and then later pull a couple of men. I thought we were going to paint the town red but no – you got a gig in Aldershot instead and we’re doing the interview today.
Awful gig too.
Was it?
I was expecting squaddies but it was just old people. Lots of old people.
I don’t suppose old people really get your stuff do they?
Actually they like the rude stuff. When I say, “Taking it up the arse” they think that’s hilarious. It’s “End of the Pier” humour they love all that, like Frankie Howard.
Tell me what it was like meeting the Queen?
Oh, it was amazing. She was old like you expect her to be but she had beautiful porcelain skin and her hair was this beautiful silver. Prince Phillip actually spoke to me and said, “Oh, you’re very funny,” but the Queen just shook my hand. I said hello and she gave me a dirty look. Prince Phillip looks really good for his age. But she just stared at me. It was really frightening. She’s very regal and … cold. She just stared at me… up and down. It was really weird. It’s really odd to see the King and Queen together. It’s an arrangement. It’s their job to be King and Queen. Seeing them like that in the palace I really started to understand why Diana caused such a stir with them. She was so real. So approachable. But you see the King and Queen and they’re just doing a job that they were born to do. It would have been great if Diana had been Queen.
Do you remember how shy Diana was in the early days? There’s nothing England likes more than a delicate little flower is there?
That must be where we’re going wrong. Maybe we should come on stage all timid and shy.
You’ve said you get a bit lonely. Would you say you ever get depressed?
Sometimes. But you have to keep busy.
Do you have any heroes?
Wonder Woman. I loved her outfit and I wish I could wear it on stage for stand up.
Shazia Mirza is performing her new show at the Edinburgh Festival each night at 9.40pm at the Pleasance Dome: “Hilarious” Evening News. “Breaking new ground” New Statesman. “Rave reviews” Telegraph. Book at www.edfringe.com or for other gigs and venues around the country see shaziamirza.org.
